Wednesday, August 31, 2011

A Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today. Filled with sadness for my Grampa. He's remained about the same - has had a few bad days, but things are not looking up. My Gramma and her children have some big decisions to face today.
I think I am finally admitting to myself that Gramps probably won't make it. I didn't sleep well last night - I kept waking up with such sadness and thinking of Grampa. I don't feel like doing anything on my "to-do" list today. I'm supposed to go school-clothes shopping for Linc and don't want to. I need to go get groceries. I've been trying to fill my time with doing things to keep my mind occupied but today the routine seems like drudgery. I need to keep on with the usual for the boys sake {and mine} - but sometimes it seems so silly.
I have been reflecting on my family and the blessing that they are in this situation.
My Gramma has such strength. Getting up each morning, usually to face an unpleasant task, such as canceling credit cards or reviewing legal papers, then off to the hospital for hours and hours. Her unwavering faith is setting such an example. At 93 she is memorizing Psalm 121. Does she realize how inspiring she is?
My mom, who gets up every morning to call the hospital to find out how Grampa's night went. Then sends out an update to the family. Keeping everyone connected. Rearranging work, plans, life so that she can be with and help her mother. Struggling with the decisions for her father that she is faced with.
I am reminded of the verse in 2 Timothy 1:5 -
I remember your genuine faith, for you share the faith that first filled your grandmother and your mother. And I know that same faith continues strong in you.
I am so thankful for their faith.
My dad, who is such a pillar of strength. He always knows what needs to be done. Always has the right words. When in tough situations, I always feel better with dad around, knowing that he will know what to do and take care of things.
And always, always thankful for my Michael. Who as I was writing this, called me to see how I was doing and find out the updates on Gramps. He is always here for me. Watching the boys when I need to go. Going up to the hospital with me {I hate to make that drive alone}. Leaving me silly notes to keep me smiling throughout the day.

I try to read from this day with the master by Dennis Kinlaw each day. Little inspiring daily devotionals for each day. Today's devo was ironically enough titled freedom to die. The last paragraph really resonated with me.
How do you get to the place of absolute freedom, where Jesus can do with you whatever he wills? Recognize that the One who holds you in the palm of his hand is greater than any force in the world. When he matters more to you than any other thing, even life itself, then you are free.
That is my hope & prayer for Grampa. For myself. For my children.

And I'll end this post with this thought, from my mama, in her daily email update:
Let's all continue to pray for each other, listen to each other, love each other, just as we are.

5 comments:

  1. such beautiful words mand. deep sorrow for you and your family. my thoughts and prayers are with you all and especially your grandparents. may you be uplifted in your sadness and feel the love surrounding you guys right now. xo

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  2. I'm so sorry for what you all are facing. I will be praying for you all.

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  3. beautiful post. hang in there grampa!

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  4. Your post made me cry ~ in a good way! What a wonderful, God fearing family you have. You are blessed! We are praying for more of Jesus' comfort in the days ahead.

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  5. I just stumbled upon your blog today. And although I do not know the whole story, this post was so touching. Not only have you conveyed how strong your family is. But you have shown how strong you are and how having faith in God can help you through the toughest of times.

    I hope you realize what a wonderful example you are setting for your own children to continue to have faith and to always look to God.

    Thank you for sharing,
    Taylor M.

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